could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
