Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We need a shit load of segways right now
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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