who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
