rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
