my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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