The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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