I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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