Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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