I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
