so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
