I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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