alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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