he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
