The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
