i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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