My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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