You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
