I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
