he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
