party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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