I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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