the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
