My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
