Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
