Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
