i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
