Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
