Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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