I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Terrible idea I love it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
