I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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