Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
