if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
