The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
