I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
