I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
time to smoke my breakfast
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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