I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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