I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
