either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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