Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
