She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
