We named our party play list daddy issues
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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