I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
