I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
