the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm just crazy horny about you
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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