i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
