he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
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my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
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Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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