sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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