he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
