So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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