About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My life is pants optional.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
