I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
