His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
