I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
