I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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