Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
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