There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I think people are normalizing furries
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
