Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
