i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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